CHARACTERS
AL HASIM A soldier/suicide bomber fighting in the name of Islamic fundamentalism
VIRGIN
1
VIRGIN 13
Virgins
in the
VIRGIN 27
VIRGIN 55
ISLAMIC
ANGEL A warrior angel and
minor bureaucratic functionary in
(A battlefield in the
VIRGIN 1
Oh master, master! Welcome!
AL HASIM
Where am I?
VIRGIN 1
This is
AL HASIM
(looking around)
Wow, this is great. Oh, wow!
VIRGIN 1
Yes master, and I am pleased to serve you.
AL HASIM
Wait, if you are Virgin 1, then how many of you are there?
VIRGIN 1
Why, 72, master. So it is written, that all martyrs shall receive
72 virgins in
VIRGIN 13 and VIRGIN 27
Welcome, o master!
(the three lead AL HASIM to a seat, VIRGIN 13 hands him a drink and begins to fan him, VIRGIN 27 rubs his feet)
AL HASIM
Oh, well, thank you! Ah yes, that’s nice.
VIRGIN 1
And how may I please you, master?
AL HASIM
Hmm? Oh! Well you could, um...
(glances down at his crotch)
VIRGIN 1
Yes, master?
AL HASIM
Well, you know, umm....
(looks meaningfully again at his crotch)
VIRGIN 1
Oh, is your robe soiled, master? Does it need mending? Why those lazy angels, never minding their stitching; I’ve told them over and over—
AL HASIM
No, no. I mean, you could, if you wouldn’t mind...
(whispers in her ear)
VIRGIN 1
I see. Well, I don’t really know what that is, master, but I will try. I am eager to please!
(kneels and begins blowing on AL HASIM’s lap)
How is that master?
(continues blowing)
Do I please you master?
AL HASIM
Um, yeah, fantastic. That’s great.
(VIRGIN 1 continues blowing)
AL HASIM
Hey, you. 22.
VIRGIN 27
I am number 27, master.
AL HASIM
Yeah, whatever. Listen would you mind...
(whispers in VIRGIN 27’s ear)
VIRGIN 27
(as AL HASIM whispers)
Oh....Well, I....I see...and how would I..?.....yes....ah!...okay...
(goes on like this for a while; finally)
Very well, master. But, could you tell me again, master, what exactly I should do with my cat?
(AL HASIM rises, exasperated, looks around, storms offstage. Virgins look at each other in confusion, then move over to listen when VIRGIN 55 speaks.)
VIRGIN 55
(offstage)
Welcome to
(sound of confused movement)
Am I doing this correctly, master?
(crashing, thud)
But, oh, oh! Oh, I’m sorry! Oh, so sorry master. Let me get that, oh dear. Oh...does that hurt? Oh, you’re... Oh... Are we done already master? Did I do well? Master??
(AL HASIM reenters, now limping, his robes disordered. Glares at the three virgins onstage, who pretend they weren’t eavesdropping and busy themselves clipping hedges, brushing their hair, knitting, playing the harp etc. AL HASIM sits down in a huff, picks up a book, starts to read, puts it down, picks an orange from a tree, tries to peel it, peel won’t come off, chucks it irritably offstage, finally notices a bell pull hanging nearby; there is a sign on it which he turns around so the audience can read: “Pull in Case of Christians”; AL HASIM pulls cord and there is a loud gong sound; enter ISLAMIC ANGEL, with turban, scimitar, multi-color wings, etc.)
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Christians!! Where? Where’s the Christians?? I’ll flay them alive! I’ll turn them inside out and dip them in molten lead!
AL HASIM
There’s no Christians.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
I’ll...I’ll...pluck out all their nosehairs, make them grow back, and then pluck them again!!
AL HASIM
There’s no Christians!
ISLAMIC ANGEL
I’ll starve them, cut off their fingers, and then serve them dainty canapés! I’ll rub them with bananas and throw them to a pack of rabid monkeys! I’ll...
AL HASIM
Will you listen?? There are no Christians!
ISLAMIC ANGEL
What? Oh, sorry. I just get so excited sometimes. This job, you know... Yes, so sorry.
AL HASIM
It’s alright. Now, listen. I called you cause I wanted to know if...
(leans closer, glances at virgins, who smile at him)
if you had anything besides these virgins.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Oh! Oh, that. I see. Well, lets have a look then.
(Lights come up on a desk; ISLAMIC ANGEL sits at desk, flips through a large book)
I could do 72 camels.
AL HASIM
Camels? What am I gonna do with 72 camels?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Well, that’s up to you. It’s a popular choice, though. I mean—
AL HASIM
Got any porn stars?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Sorry?
AL HASIM
Do you have 72 porn stars?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
(flips through the book)
Nope, sorry. Fresh out. We do have some very nice baboons..... Wildebeest, perhaps?
AL HASIM
No, no.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Ah.
(silence)
AL HASIM
How about supermodels?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Hmm...Oh.
(flipping through book)
We only have 59 of those in stock, sir. Lots of martyrs lately--we’re low on everything.
AL HASIM
59 is fine!
ISLAMIC ANGEL
59? 59!! No, sir, I’m sorry! No it says right here
(flips through the Koran)
that you get 72! Now the virgin part...well...we can work with you on that. But--
AL HASIM
Okay, well what else do you have?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
72 plus-size models.
AL HASIM
Oh...no.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
72 lunch room ladies?
AL HASIM
No.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Stewardesses?
AL HASIM
What airline?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Mostly Delta.
AL HASIM
No.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Mermaids?
AL HASIM
What?
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Mermaids. You know.
(makes a fish-mouth face)
No? Don’t blame you. They’re just manatees really. How about bank tellers?
AL HASIM
No.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Parking meter-maids?
AL HASIM
No.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
I have the entire cast of Lord of the Dance.
(silence)
AL HASIM
You’re joking.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
No, not at all, they’re delightful.
(forced grin)
Really.
(urgent stage whisper)
Look, come on, I just want to get rid of them.
(AL HASIM shakes head)
Aardvarks?
AL HASIM
No. How about...
(whispers in ISLAMIC ANGEL’s ear)
ISLAMIC ANGEL
(with a look of horror)
Absolutely not!
AL HASIM
Okay, okay, forget it.
(silence)
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Listen, tell you what I’ll do, let me call the man upstairs and see if I can work a deal for you, okay?
(picks up phone; during this phone conversation virgins can be frolicking, hula hooping, putting flowers in AL HASIM’s hair to his irritation, braiding each others’ hair, etc.)
Hey, yeah, hey, Ally? Can you hear me? Oh...hey Mike. How are you? Hey listen can you put Ally on the phone? Yeah thanks.
(grins at AL HASIM)
ISLAMIC ANGEL [cont.]
Ally, hey, how’s it goin? Yeah? Awesome. Oh, she’s fine. Yep, just learning to fly. Yeah, already! So, listen, Ally, I’ve got this martyr down here, and he just doesn’t want the virgins. Yeah. Nope, camels neither. Yeah already thought of that. So listen, you got anything up there? Something a bit more...impressive? Okay. Sure.
(waits; covers mouthpiece, stage whisper to AL HASIM)
He’s going to look. ...
(to phone)
Yeah, I’m here. Okay.
(writing)
Uh-huh....okay....oh,
really?...encrusted with what? ...nice... well, I don’t want to put you to any--...okay....and
a...really?.....I didn’t think you could get those anymore.... uh-huh....okay,
great Ally. Thanks a billion. Hey listen we’re having a little get together
after work today... Yeah, by the
(hangs up; looks at AL HASIM)
Well you’re in luck. I can get you...ahem,
(rising, reading bombastically from his sheet)
72 moon-white celestial maidens, each with 72 pert bosoms like ripe pomegranates, wearing jeweled headdresses encrusted with 72 sapphires of deepest hue, floating upon a raft of 72 72-petaled lotus blossoms on a wine-dark sea 72 fathoms deep, of such tranquil mystery and beauty that when you gaze upon it you shall succumb to 72 delights and praise Allah 72 times before dawning!!!
AL HASIM
Hmm...
ISLAMIC ANGEL
(nodding sagely)
Yes...
(silence, AL HASIM ponders a while)
AL HASIM
Oh, just give me Lord of the Dance.
ISLAMIC ANGEL
Excellent choice, sir.
(claps his hands; Irish music starts and several dancers in glittery shirts and tights tap-dance onstage; blackout.)
END