.
CHARACTERS
TOP MOSTLY game show host
VANNA GREY Top’s co-host, frail and
senile
ANNOUNCER
JOAN a woman with cerebral palsy,
contestant
KATE deaf
woman, contestant
TRISHA middle aged autistic, mildly retarded
woman, contestant
DAVID young blind man, contestant
(game
show set, in darkness)
ANNOUNCER
(in
hushed dramatic voice)
You
are about to witness a battle of wills, a test of strength, nerves, and the
sheer drive to overcome; three contestants will be pitted head-to-head, and
only one will emerge victorious; this is.....DISABILITY FACTOR! And now, your host, Top Mostly.
(enter
TOP MOSTLY)
TOP
MOSTLY
Good
evening everyone. I’m Top Mostly and
welcome to Disability Factor, the show where we challenge the disabled to prove
their value to society, and at the same time win cash and prizes! Now let me introduce my co-host, Vanna Grey.
(VANNA GREY hobbles onto stage, a frail old woman in
skimpy sequined dress and 3” heels; when VANNA is not otherwise occupied, she
tends to wander about confusedly on stage as if lost)
TOP
MOSTLY
How
are you today, Vanna?
VANNA
GREY
Are
you my son? Do you--
TOP
MOSTLY
Now
before we meet our four contestants we need to let the audience in on a little
secret!
ANNOUNCER
(Hushed
whisper) The other contestants don’t know it, but one of our contestants today
isn’t actually disabled.
(Canned
laughter)
TOP MOSTLY
(Laughing) That’s right, so see if you can spot the
fake! Isn’t that a clever joke, Vanna?
VANNA
I
see an angel! Your eyes...! I’m ready!
ANNOUNCER
And
now let’s introduce our contestants!
(enter
Joan)
ANNOUNCER
Joan
is 32 and from
(enter
KATE)
Kate
is 39, mostly deaf, and a decent lip-reader!
She’s from
(enter
Trisha)
Trisha
is 42, and comes from
(enter
David)
David
is 29. He’s blind as a bat, and
interestingly comes from Bat capitol of the world,
TOP
MOSTLY
Great,
great. Welcome to you all. So we all know the rules, right? You compete for points in a series of
challenges. The winner is the one...
DONKEY DICK! LABIA! L--L--LABIA! ...the
one with the most points at the end.
Everyone ready? (turns his head
so Kate can’t see his lips) How we doing there Kate?
(No
response)
TOP
MOSTLY
Dynamite! Now lets see what you’re competing for!
(VANNA
GREY holds up home euthanasia set. It’s a gun with a silencer)
ANNOUNCER
Today’s
Grand Prize is the WhisperRest 900 home
euthanasia kit. “WhisperRest, when all
you want to do is die!”
TOP
MOSTLY
Wow,
great prize. BITCH! SLUT!
COCK-SUCKER! So Joan, I’ve heard you’re a collector. What is it you collect?
JOAN
Stamps.
TOP
MOSTLY
Why
do you do that? CUNT!
JOAN
My
grandmother gave me her stamp collection when I was 12. Since then--
TOP
MOSTLY
I
suppose we all need a reason to get up in the morning. CUNT!
Now, our first challenge is for you Joan. It’s called “Draw, Pardner!”
(VANNA GREY slowly, painfully bringing on easel with
drawing paper and marker; while she is doing this TOP MOSTLY:)
“Draw...Pardner”?...Hehe.
(Mimes
drawing a gun with his finger and firing at Joan.)
Bang!
(Joan flinches.
TOP MOSTLY blows end of finger and laughs)
So
your job, Joan, is to draw what I tell you to so that someone in the audience
can guess what it is before time runs out.
Ok? Alright, your word is...
(whispers
in her ear)
Now...GO!
(Joan starts drawing, but her hand is so unsteady that
she can’t really draw anything clearly)
Come
on Joan! You can do it; just try harder!
AUDIENCE
MEMBERS
(planted)
a
snake! the
TOP
MOSTLY
AUDIENCE
MEMBER
SPAGHETTI!
TOP
MOSTLY
Oh,
that’s right! The word was
spaghetti! But I’m sorry Joan, time ran
out. BITCH! Back you go. So, Trisha our next challenge is for you.
(Walks over to Trisha’s podium, puts his hand on the
podium familiarly.)
Trisha,
you’re an avid golfer, is that right?
TRISHA
34. Oh, yes.
I like golf.
TOP
MOSTLY
34? Sorry?
TRISHA
5.
TOP
MOSTLY
5
what?
TRISHA
4. Letters.
TOP
MOSTLY
4
letters? Well yes golf does have 4
letters but I wasn’t asking you that!
Now if you would pay attention please--
TRISHA
(beginning
to cry)
86.
TOP
MOSTLY
Stop
that.
TRISHA
8.
TOP
MOSTLY
I
said stop.
TRISHA
9.
TOP
MOSTLY
You
know what? I think you’re
disqualified. What do you think Vanna?
TRISHA
53.
TOP
MOSTLY
Yes,
sorry Trisha. ANAL SEEPAGE! Vanna
agrees. You’ve lost that round.
TRISHA
57.
TOP
MOSTLY
So,
David, your turn. Your challenge, David,
is to.....run the obstacle course!! Now
David here’s how this works.
(Vanna
begins clearing the middle of the stage.)
The
stage is being cleared right now, David, and an obstacle course is being set
up.
(Pulling
David to R of middle stage)
I’m
going to talk you through it, and you have to finish in the time allowed. And remember, David, that you can’t knock
over any of the obstacles. Okay, are you
ready?
DAVID
Yes.
TOP
MOSTLY
Good,
let’s go.
(There is no obstacle course set up at all. The stage is clear. During the following, DAVID follows TOP
MOSTLY’s directions, bending, stepping over, around, under, obstacles that
are not there.)
Okay,
take three steps toward me. STOP! Good.
Now you need to kind of turn sideways, no the other way. Now shuffle to the side a bit--lower your
head! Bend over a little. Now step forward, but step high, you’re
stepping over something.
FEL--...FELLATIO! Good..
[etc....] Oh, so sorry David! You’re out of time! Here come out this way, now back you go.
(Puts
David back behind his podium)
On
to the next contestant. So, Kate, I’ve
heard you’re deaf.
(no response; Kate’s not looking at him; someone taps
her on shoulder)
KATE
What? Were you talking to me?
TOP
MOSTLY
(louder,
emphatically)
I’ve
heard you’re deaf.
KATE
You’ve
murdered Seth?
TOP
MOSTLY
I’ve
heard you’re deaf!
KATE
You’ve
got bad breath? Yeah I know, but--
TOP
MOSTLY
So,
Kate, are you ready for your challenge?
KATE
Yes,
spaghetti does irritate my bowels!
TOP
MOSTLY
Shut
up.
KATE
Buttercup?
TOP
MOSTLY
(puts
hand in front of mouth)
I’m
going to kill you.
(KATE
smiles warmly)
TOP
MOSTLY
(hand
still in front of mouth)
I’m
going to kill you, and eat your spleen.
And then kill your dog, and eat it, too.
(long pause, KATE still smiling, TM’s hand stays over
his mouth, finally:)
KATE
My
turn now, huh?
TOP
MOSTLY
(taking
hand away from mouth)
Yes,
Kate! Can you........name that tune??!
(Stars and Stripes Forever plays; KATE fiddles with
hearing aid)
KATE
Stars
and Stripes Forever!
(TM
is dumbstruck and silent.)
TOP
MOSTLY
So
sorry, Kate, but the title of the song is THE Stars and Stripes Forever.
(VANNA GREY, still hobbling confusedly about, slips
and falls; this has been somewhat expected during the skit b/c she walks very
unsteadily in the heels she’s wearing; she lays silent and motionless where she
fell and no one [except maybe one or two of the contestants] seems to notice)
TOP
MOSTLY
Well,
we’re at the end of our first half, and the scores are all tied at 0. Now when we have a tie we go into what we
call our Mercifully Sudden Death round.
FUCKER! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT PISS I’ll ask you some questions and the
first one to buzz in and get a question right will go on to play for that
euthanasia kit! Okay, are you
ready? Hands on your buzzers. Question 1.
What is the color of bread?
(Joan tries to buzz but her hand is trembling too
much. DAVID buzzes.)
DAVID
White!
TOP
MOSTLY
No
sorry.
(Joan
still trying to buzz.)
TRISHA
Brown.
5.
TOP
MOSTLY
Hmm,
Vanna, can we accept that?
(VANNA
moans)
TOP
MOSTLY
Yes,
I’m sorry, Trisha, but we can’t accept “brown 5”. The correct answer is brown.
KATE
What’s
going on?
TOP
MOSTLY
Next
question: Complete this quote by Charles Rennie Mackintosh: “Art is the flower,
life is the....what?”
KATE
(buzzing)
Umm,
what are we doing now?
TOP
MOSTLY
Wrong,
answer, Kate. Sorry.
(time
elapses, David ponders, Trisha counts letters, Joan trying to buzz)
JOAN
(finally
able to buzz)
Green
leaf!
TOP
MOSTLY
That’s
right, Joan! “Art is the flower, life is
the green leaf.” Joan, you’re going to
play for our Grand Prize! But before we
let the other three go, lets see what parting gift we have for them.
ANNOUNCER
Kate,
Trisha, and David, you’ll each receive
600 dollars! Just enough to make you
ineligible for the Supplemental Security Income you’ve come to rely on!
DAVID
But
we’ll lose our health benefits!
ANNOUNCER
Right! But your other parting gift will help with
that! You’ll also receive a lifetime
supply of Oxycontin. “Oxycontin; for
those days when you’d rather feel nothing at all!”
(exit KATE, TRISHA and David)
TOP
MOSTLY
VULVA! CUNNILINGUS!
H--H--HOOKER! Now, Joan. Here’s our final challenge. Are you ready?
JOAN
Yes.
TOP
MOSTLY
Feeling
pretty confident?
JOAN
Yes.
TOP
MOSTLY
Need
to go to the bathroom?
JOAN
Just
did.
TOP
MOSTLY
Ok. Come over here Joan. PENIS!
Now, Joan, do you want that home euthanasia kit?
JOAN
Oh,
yes! Mamma would be so happy!
TOP
MOSTLY
Well
it’s yours, Joan, if you can just do this.
You’ll have one minute, Joan, to...replace this watch battery! Everything you need is right here, a
jeweler’s loupe, screwdrivers, the new battery--be careful now it’s Swiss. Seems pretty easy, right? Pretty straightforward?
(Joan
begins to speak, TOP MOSTLY cuts her off.)
TOP
MOSTLY
The
only catch, Joan, is that you’ll be doing this....
(HEADPHONE-MIKED
FLUNKY brings on cage)
...in
a cage full of killer bees!!!
(putting
Joan in cage)
Okay
Joan, we’ll start the timer when you say you’re ready.
JOAN
I’m
ready.
TOP
MOSTLY
Okay,
then. Go!
(Dramatic time-is-running-out music. Joan fumbles about with the watch in the
cage, while swatting feebly at bees that try to attack her. She drops things, fumbles about, eventually
is overcome by the bees and collapses against one wall of the cage.)
JOAN
Help!
TOP
MOSTLY
Oh,
sorry, Joan. You should have tried harder. Guess you won’t be taking home that
euthanasia kit after all.
JOAN
Help
me.
TOP
MOSTLY
Well,
that’s our show for tonight!
ANNOUNCER
But
before we go, were you able to spot our disabled fake? Let’s bring all our
contestants out again (they all troop out) and take a vote!
TOP
MOSTLY
What
do you think audience? Applaud if you
think David is our disabled fake. (holds
hand over David’s head) Now applaud if
you think Joan is the fake. (holds hand
over Joan’s head) What about Trisha? (holds hand over Trisha’s head) And who thinks Kate is the fake? (holds hand
over Kate’s head)
(if
audience isn’t playing along [i.e. not applauding, or applauding for everyone,
etc., TOP MOSTLY should go back and demand a show of hands for each one])
So
the audience thinks that ________ is the fake!
SPHINCTER; R-- R-- RIM JOB! Will
the real fake please step forward?
(TRISHA
steps forward.)
TOP
MOSTLY
(adlib)
Oh! The audience was (right/wrong)! Trisha was our fake!
TRISHA
(adlib)
Absolutely,
Top. (But I’m surprised anybody could
tell./I knew no one would be able to tell.)
I watched Rain Man sixteen times. I’m really hoping for an Emmy....
JOAN
(still slumped against cage wall, covered with bees,
holds up watch, no one pays attention)
I
did it! Can I come out now?
TOP
MOSTLY
Well,
let’s have a hand for Trisha; great job, and good luck to you! DYKE!
AUDIENCE
MEMBER
Hey,
Top Mostly! You’re a fake, too! (makes loud barking sound) That’s not how people with Tourette’s
talk! (barking sound)
TOP
MOSTLY
Shut
up you--FORESKIN SMEGMA LICK-MY-SCROTUM....
(TOP
MOSTLY yells profanities uncontrollably at audience member, who makes barking
sounds back at him)
ANNOUNCER
(theme
music starts)
Disability
Factor is a production of MFC networks.
Promotional consideration paid for by the following: Blaxo Swift Kline, makers of WhisperRest, and
other euthanasia solutions. “We don’t
kill you, we just make the things that kill you better.” And by,
JOAN
(still
holding up watch)
I
got it! Please, let me out...
VANNA
GREY
(still
collapsed on the floor)
Pat?
....I’d like to buy a vowel!
TOP
MOSTLY
This
is Top Mostly, saying thanks, and goodnight
(TM
continues cursing at audience member, who continues barking back at him as
lights fade.)
END